Day 16 - Reno... still

It is a common misconception, overshadowed by excitement and anticipation of an excellent adventure, that all which is vacated remains suspended until one's return. Ill health of others, financial woes, occupational responsibilities are hung up on the rack to hibernate during one's grace period of R and R. This phenomenon is of course an imaginary one - the suspension is purely mental. Life goes on, in presence or absence. The roots of that from which we flee on voyages afar hold firm in our core. They are inescapable, because they are as much a part of ourselves as that which we most cherish. We are usurped by all that is unatoned within us; any sense of escape is transient.

It was only by traveling 4000 miles that it became evident: what I had set out to accomplish, with greater discipline, could have been done so from my bedroom. The myriad experiences on the excellent adventure have all come back to this point. There have been times of divine radiance, but their sum alone has been insufficient to eradicate all that remains unsettled in the saddle bag.

I received word this morning that another family member passed away. He had mouth cancer, which rapidly metastasized. His time was expected to be short, but this was sudden nonetheless. On a personal level, the loss is coupled along side another demand of self-reconciliation with being absent among loved ones in a time of support. The pangs returned, exacerbated by being nearly broke, and the uncertain outcome of the bike. And we weren't even to the coast. If the bike's repairs aren't worth the money, I have to put her down, and figure out how the hell to get anywhere - San Francisco, home, on another bike. Lamenting over the worst-case scenarios is paralyzing; I see no choice but to plan for the worst. Where there is action, there is movement. Action stifles doubt. Negative thoughts swirl about again: Will I have to play the insolvent, self-loathing mendicant and plea with my parents to bail me out? Will I feel forever unresolved calling it quits? How, in the devotion to absolving myself to the world for a cause greater than self, have I become such a burden to others by acting upon my own desires? Have faith in love. What drives me, above and beyond all else, is that which is inexplicable, not spoken but known through its incandescent self-evidence. With all the tribulations that have come with the time on the road, such shallow lamentations have peeled back my layers, revealing a core that, with continuously cultivated roots, will remain unshakable.

Snake and I cruised to the Triumph dealership, to drool over more bikes - but most importantly for me, to pursue the possibility of financing the bike of my dreams (a 2010 Triumph America) should my first love have to remain in Reno. The possibility looked bleak, and sitting on the dream bike was more salt in the wound than the bittersweetest alternative. We came back to the hotel. The casino is draining the life out of me. Although we are lodging very inexpensively, everything else in the casino compensates for the imbalanced room rate. I am through wasting attempts of luck, but I still have to eat, and that has racked up quick here. I returned to the pool area. After sitting in the sauna for a bit to purge unwanted feelings, I exited for a glass of OJ before sitting poolside again to read. The music in the men's locker room was a very delicate new-agey solo piano, reminiscent for me of George Winston, a love since childhood. Clashing against the music was the din of Fox News soundbytes in an empty lounge room - a Minnesota tea-partyer talking audaciously about the need for those who know their values enough not to melt in Washington, and how she personally will be offering classes on the Constitution for anyone on the Hill and beyond interested. Her boldness was hollow, her words vacuous. It was clear as day in my present mood that she was another theatrical pawn appealing to party politics. All flashy leaves, but no roots. I have remained demure about politics for the most part in this blog, and for a reason. I do not advocate one side or the other; it is the entire infrastructure that is desperate need of re-examination. But, once again, not the time or place. This particular example happened to be emblematic of how the behavior of others, in a certain state of mind, can be as transparent as air. There is an acuteness in sorrow, if one remains focused instead of heeding to the intoxicating blurriness of despair.

I received word late in the afternoon that the bike was good, and only cost $143 total. Her valves were so tight that they compromised compression, and she was a quart low on oil. We have checked the bikes daily, but after pouring a fresh quart in before I left and not noticing the oil light come on, I neglected this. A rookie move - never again. We celebrated by dinner at the famed In N Out Burger, only available in the west. Tomorrow, we reach the coast. The fog lifted, and the excitement and anticipation, joined now by a peaceful sense of relief, returned. Once again, the dwelling was not in regret, or self-doubt, or despair, but possibility, the glimmering reflection of the divine light itself. Tomorrow, we arrive in San Francisco.